WHY WE WON'T QUIT SMOKING

BENEFITS OF SMOKING.

For years, we have heard, seen and read smoking is harmful. To say the least, we have been threatened, humoured, cajoled, ridiculed and sometimes, even ostracized. Once we were also accused of killing a horse. Well, here’s to all those know-it-alls, lets flip them the…er….stub and puff away. Because, finally there are some straws that we puffers can clutch at and wave them under the delicate smoke alarms, popularly called noses, of some people.

We smokers help control the population. After all, we don’t want our already burdened dear old Mother Earth caving in on herself with the extra weight. Smoking keeps our weight down and the population down. And this, all said and done, is a service to humanity.

We smokers are also responsible for the great advancement in medicine. Especially in fields related to cancer. All kinds of cancer. Not necessarily cancer that has its roots in smoking. Imagine the amount of money pouring in for this great cause. Imagine the pride with which our collective chests swell up when we hear that the great Lance Armstrong has saddled up again. His testicular cancer is a thing of a past. And yes, now we hear cancer is curable. Again, our chests swell up. And in no small measure due to the smoke.

We smokers are great role-models. Now, how many times have people pointed at us and said to their kids, you shouldn’t become like that? How many times, have we been the talking point of a family dinner? Yes, kids need people to look up to. At the same time, it is very important that they also look down upon some people. So that they know what not to become. And that dirty job, our dear friends, we do. And we do it without a thought of a reward. Without being felicitated at some function. We do it, because we smokers are by nature altruistic and we do it with a smile on our lips. And a wisp of smoke curling up from the corner of it.


We smokers are good for the environment. Especially now, with the whats-it-called Al Gore movie. It is but a popular calculation that, if we smokers quit and start saving that money, then we would able to buy a new car, every year. Well, no thanks. We smokers think, the world doesn’t need any more cars. Not with the global warming movies lurking around. We care about the environment. That’s why we smoke. So, that in a nut-shell means, you non-smokers are responsible for polluting the environment. Because, by your own calculations, we will never have enough money to buy a car. Let alone afford the fuel (at the current gas prices).


We smokers are less of a burden on our children. No wastage of money on old-age homes. On nurses. They don’t have to worry about spending quality time with us. Nor about leaving us behind alone at home when they go off on a vacation. Who needs vacations when you are 80 years old anyway? Or for that matter who needs 80 years? And anyway baby-sitters, nowadays, are far less demanding. And grandchildren far more so.


We smokers are better workers. We sleep less. At work and otherwise. Because as it is so well documented, smoking results in sleeping disorder. We take lesser time for lunch, if at all any. Because the above mentioned document also mentions loss of appetite. Like it or not, we smokers form the only close-knit community in a workplace. We share a bond that’s unspoken. Non-political. Undesignated. And it’s just so much easier to look pensive, thoughtful and on-the-verge of a path breaking idea on how to increase your company’s profitability with a cigarette clenched between your fingers and blowing smoke thought-bubbles.


We smokers are the solution to all wars and violence. For centuries we have been advocating this peaceful way to settle all disputes. But non-smokers seem much dafter & deafer than us. Anyway, we have already established that smoking kills. Hence, imagine this, why not have two armies face off on the battlefield and light up. Whoever survives, wins. It’s far less violent (also, second-hand bullets are slightly more hazardous to health any day). It’s far less cheap. It’s far better for the economies of the respective governments. And the soldiers get to go back home and meet their beloved family one last time. And yes, George Bush Jr. will never have to explain for the missing WMDs. After all, as non-smokers have observed time and time again, cigarettes are officially classified as WMDs.

And last but not the least.

We smokers will never be found guilty of rape. By any miniscule chance, you find yourself accused of rape by a jealous co-worker, or a disgruntled neighbour or even a psychopathic Ex. you will, rest assured, be let off scot-free. All you have to do is manage to ask for your favourite brand of smokes from the cigarette smoking cop in his white Rupa Vest as he is applying his beloved, well-polished malaca cane to the soles of your feet. After all, the same well documented, popular list of effects of smoking, also mentions smoking as a reason for impotency.

Hence, considering that we smokers are doing this for the greater good of mankind, its but a disgrace to ask us to desist from smoking. Because, whatever we might be, we are not quitters. We’d rather Die Than Quit!